Hello and welcome back to Interviews Behind the Universe with Nicholas Brown!
Today’s guest, the magnificent Bill Vallely, remains one of Eliot’s very good friends which is why he gets away with a lot of what you’re about to read.
Bill started out as a colorist in the Marvel bullpen and even before that, he had the kind of eclectic career that is a gold mine in exactly this situation.
Illustrator, Security Guard, TV writer, the man has done a lot of a lot and somehow lived to tell about it through sheer grit.
Fun fact, his brother is Jim Vallely whose name some of you might recognize from writer/producer credits on “Arrested Development.” Now that I have an In with the family, they’re never going to hear the end of my “constructive” commentary about Job’s character arc in the last two seasons.
And now here’s Bill Vallely.
Q: What did you do before working at Marvel Comics and do you think that helped prepare you for the job?
Staff Artist for the New York Daily News, and Weekend Art Director for United Press International. I was an assistant to Will Esiner. An apprentice to several top New York Illustrators, where I helped on artwork for such publications as Time Magazine and National Lampoon. For years, I did freelance pen and ink stipple drawings for “Deans Carpets” (You can’t spell “Dependable” without D.E.A.N.) It wasn’t until years later that I realized all my drawings were sold into syndication.
There was no preparation possible for the Brutalization of working for Marvel.
Q : What has life been like after Marvel?
Extreme highs and extreme lows. I’ve written for television shows such as “My Wife and Kids,” “Brotherly Love.” I helped launch Penthouse Comix. I’ve written a screenplay about that hot mess, if anyone is interested. Helped launch Valiant Comics. Helped bring back Harvey Comics. I was project manager for Planet Wide Games’ software “Comic Book Creator.” Did a lot of educational stuff. And there were times that I really struggled. I was a security guard at Beekman Place in Manhattan — literally one of the wealthiest communities in the world. I protected people as diverse as Don Imus, Julie Newmar, The Shah of Iran, and Irving Berlin.
Q: Among many odd but fun pages in your resume, I see you listed as a writer for the Star Trek: Voyager episode, Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy. That’s quite a feather in your cap. How did that come about?
After leaving Valiant, I went to a Hollywood Party, where I met a Producer from “Star Trek.” Upon learning that I had worked for Marvel, he asked why their “Star Trek” comics sucked.
“Not our fault — it’s entirely Paramount’s fault.” Not the answer he was expecting. He demanded that I explain myself.
“First, Paramount wants huge payments for the books. The amount is pennies to Paramount, but it’s massive to the artists and writers who have to simply create without royalties. Imagine asking your wife “Honey, is it OK if I stop writing “X-Men” that brings in $50,000 a month so I can make $800 a week to write for ‘Star Trek’? I really love ‘Star Trek’.”
“Next, you have 25 year old idiots telling the writers and artists what to do. They insist that the book features perfect drawings of Shatner, Nimoy and the rest of the cast. The artists don’t have the time to make the book visually interesting.
“Finally, you’re terrified of showing the characters in a bad light. Well, flaws are what make characters interesting.”
So, I was invited to pitch.
Q : Do you have any stories from the Bullpen that you’d like to tell? Perhaps something Eliot has overlooked in his writings or that you’d like to add to.
[We didn’t do this every Christmas. We did this all the time—excepting the white robe stuff—that was for when The Star Chamber rate reviews took place. In all fairness, there were probably only a dozen or two songs written about Danny—Eliot]
On Thursday, everyone wore construction worker’s uniforms, because we were making “Industrial Strength Comics.”
Q: What got you into the comic industry in the first place?
I answered an ad. They hired somebody else, but he was a jerk. So they reluctantly hired me instead. Editor In Chief Jim Shooter declared that I was the single craziest person who ever went to work there.
While there, I would “pitch” terrible ideas just to get thrown out of the office. I kept doing so until I accidentally sold one.
Q: Have you enjoyed seeing where Marvel has taken its characters in recent years? I’m referring specifically to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and its extended factions, but if you’ve kept up with Marvel Comics as well, I’m curious to hear your take.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe is the only reason half the movie theaters in America are still open. It’s being made by people who grew up reading Marvel Comics and who want to push the characters further. When I want to relax, I watch trailers and clips from Marvel Movies over and over and over and over.
About the comics themselves? Sigh — it’s a mixed bag.
The books have never looked better and there’s certainly titles which compare to anything Stan and Jack created.
That said — basic storytelling skills are all too often lacking. Where to put the characters, how to color to better serve the story; how to tell the story. Part of the problem is the same we had in the 80s with Star Trek — the characters have gotten too valuable to risk in stories that throw them in an unfavorable light. Also, I understand that it’s all but impossible to get a story approved. When one finally is, a tale that Stan and Steve Ditko could have knocked out in a seven pager is stretched out to a year’s run.
But there is hope. Kevin Feigy has taken over the comic line and he may very well bring inspiration with him.
I hope he launches a Marvel Cinematic Universe that follows the movie continuity to the letter. For example, I’d love to see a six issue limited series of Scott Lang driving the Ugly Brown Van from San Fran to Upstate New York to report to the Avengers after being rescued by a rat. It would be a great way to show what life is like in America five years after the snap.
Q: What was the most fun you had working on a project at Marvel? And I’m curious about the answer for non-Marvel projects too, you seem to have many good ones.
The most fun I had was working for Sid Jacobson and Hanna/Barbara comics. My favorite moment came when I called Sid at 8 am, pitched three stories and sold one. I wrote the five page story in three hours and faxed it to Mr. Jacobson. At noon, he faxed back corrections to the story, which I did, and faxed him back at 3 pm. By five, I had payment for the comic transferred to my checking account and the book hit the newsstand three weeks later. COMICS LIKE IT OUGHTA BE, BABY!
Q: What was your first impression of Eliot?
A blast furnace that needed a shave.
Q: Do you have any good embarrassing or funny stories about my father?
There was a time when Eliot was given the thankless task of reviewing art submissions from fans.
Rather than rubber-stamping a “not up to professional standards” on the work then running off to play 18 rounds of golf, your father insisted on actually reviewing the artwork. He would closely examine the drawings and list strengths and weaknesses fairly but accurately. He made every effort to do so kindly.
Did I mention the task was “thankless”? One fellow abused the privilege of being, well, abusive. In response, this fellow sent Eliot a literal box of [dog] shit.
Your father responded much the way we expected he would. He ran through the Bullpen carrying said container, yelling “I’ve got a box of shit!!!” And when I said “through the Bullpen,” I mean the entire floor — didn’t miss an inch.
He ran up to my desk, shoved the parcel under my nose and shouted “do you want to see the box of shit?”
What can I say — I did. I imagined a Robert Crumb-type image of freshly laid cow patties.
The box of shit was disappointing. During the journey, it had dried to such an extent that it was hardly there. “Shit is mostly water,” Eliot sagely explained.
Mr. Brown then threatened to report the submitter to the Post Office for sending bio-hazardous material through the US Mail.
I suggested an alternative route: “Pull out your fanciest stationary and write back to the ungrateful cur — ‘Although still not up to professional standards, I’m gobsmacked at the vast improvement of the second submission over the first.’”
[Eliot chiming in for this one—all too true. The real ending to this story was much less clever. I did indeed call the Postmaster General and did indeed determine that mailing feces of any kind unprotected through parcel post was indeed illegal. I fumed for quite a while—thankful the box had finished doing its own fuming. Then the detail that made me sit back and smile (not the good smile…) was that this poor kid had included his return address. Well, you didn’t want an important bit of retribution to possibly not reach its destination because of a technicality. That’s when I realized that the kid was going to be punished by life. I rested.]
Q: I see that you’ve got a book recently out called Tips To Fight Dry Eye That Actually Work! What exactly inspired this? Of course it is a common affliction but this seems like a powerful step to take.
I had survived a particularly nasty case of CMML Leukemia (AKA Blood Cancer). Since the cure was a bone marrow transplant, I now have a different blood type than before (A Positive to AB Negative). I can pass a blood test as a woman.
How bad was the operation? The women staffers at Blue Cross called me to see how I was doing. They were upset after reading my medical records and gave advice of other free services I was eligible for. As it was, all told, I cost Blue Cross over a million dollars,
Either two guys kicked in a half million dollars each — or every adult in America kicked in a penny. (I find both options equally amazing.) I didn’t know what I could do, but I had to give back to America somehow.
One of the side effects of a BMT is a delightful condition called “Graft vs. Host Disease.” My body rejects my blood, which leads to losing finger nails, dry mouth… and dry eye.
My first inkling that I had Dry Eye came when driving a rental truck down the 405 [8-lanes of deadly low-and-high-speed chase through Los Angeles — Eliot]. I was doing 70 MPH when my eyes shut involuntarily. I couldn’t open them. I had to drive with one hand on the wheel and the other opening up an eye.
For the next six months, I refused to drive. How could I? I could kill somebody. It took a full two years before I got a handle on the disease and I could lead my (IRONY QUOTE) normal (END IRONY QUOTE) life.
AH! Now I have the project I can do to pay back the world for my still being alive. I figure if I could prevent 5000 people from going through those two years I did, that comes to 10,000 years. That’s 100 dollars a person. That’s less than 2 bucks a week. Cheap at half the price!
I had the book vetted by several eye care experts. It was edited by Don (Hey — Hey) Daley. The book exists, it gets the job done — now I just have to let people know that it exists.
Q: Is there anywhere our readers can find you on social media to keep up with you?
My webpage is billytoons.com — it’s within weeks of completion. As of this writing, it works, but it’s also a hot mess. But those can be fun too, I suppose.
For 25 years I’ve known my father and that he never told me he was delivered a package containing poop is a sin it’s going to take me a long time to forgive. That story made me laugh an ugly, ugly laugh.
In late 1984, a comic book fan lived the fantasy — he snuck into the Marvel Comics’ Christmas party. He climbed up the back stairs and waited until someone left the party early to sneak in.
The fan’s name was George Carragone, and he was the nicest person I ever met. Crashing into the holiday festivity was literally the worst thing he had ever done in his life (up until then). I started chatting him up, and he guiltily confessed his “sin.” “I’m not supposed to be here. Don’t tell anybody.”
Spying Editor In Chief Jim Shooter, I waved him over. “Jim, this guy snuck in!” George’s face drained of blood. “Can he stay?” I continued.
“Only if he told me how he did it, so I can sneak out,” Shooter replied, only half-joking.
“Congrats! You’ve been invited by the top guy. Relax.”
George continued to beat the odds. Eventually, he cornered Shooter and handed him a story he wrote in longhand on crumpled paper. Jim promised to read it, and he did — six months later. Jim told George to polish his craft before submitting his work. Learn grammar, learn to type and format… word-smith stuff.
It was boiler-plate advice he had given literally hundreds of times in the past… but unlike almost every other would-be writer, Carragone had taken the critique to heart. He dusted off his Third-Grade Grammar textbooks. He bought a computer and a printer.
He got better.
Former (and future) Harvey Comics Editor, Sid Jacobson [–now at Marvel], heard a pitch for a project by George — a comic where the reader has to make the same moral choices the characters faced. Points were given to those who made the “correct” choices. Sid said, “it was the first original idea I’ve heard in comics in 15 years.”
On the strength of the proposal, George received regular work at “Star Comics” — Marvel’s juvenile subdivision.
George then did many, many other things that I won’t mention here. But I’ve written a screenplay about it… if anyone is interested.
For those of you interested in Bill Vallely’s book, you can find a review of it right here https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/bill-vallely/tips-to-fight-dry-eye-that-work/
If you want to go straight ahead and buy a copy, here is the Amazon link:
And if anyone makes that Penthouse movie, you heard it here first!
Be seeing you
-Nicholas Brown