Marvel Bullpen– Side Gigs Part 1

After wearing the same glasses frames for some 20 years, I saw a pair of sports frames in a Popular Science mag at the dentist. I was enchanted—they were the polar opposite of my rather sophisticated thin gold rimmed glasses. My elder optician informed me they were the rage of Wall Street back then! My old glasses had these curved wire-wrapped spring coils for my ears. They never fell off. I never wore jewelry, even preferring a G-Shock black vinyl watch. These babies were enough jewelry for me.

And maybe that’s why I liked this new pair. They were primarily for basketball players. They had a few styles, one with temples and the other with an elastic strap for your head. Oh yes, there was a gigantic rubber nose piece! Finally, an echo of my wrist watch.

Across the street from Marvel on Park Avenue, on the ground floor of the New York Life Building, was a gifted young optician. This fellow took my ripped-out “new product” article and some time later, produced these really weird glasses.

I loved them! If I had to switch from my ratty, falling apart old specs that I was soldering together– this was the way to go!

About 7 years later, another 30lbs and same dopey expression.

Here’s where the side gig comes in. These glasses were such a hoo-doo sensation, that when comic comrade Mike Carlin’s buddy, comedian Dave Burd, asked if he knew someone who could play the role of a demonic college Principal, Mike yelled my name out loud.

Who is Dave Burd? I might respond, who is Mike Carlin? Well, Mike was my shoulder-to-shoulder Marvel Universe two-fisted co-worker who was Assistant Editor to the late, great Mark Gruenwald. Mr. Burd, who billed himself as The Comedian With a Sense of Humor, was a comic consultant to MTV. I got to know him very briefly when he shot his “commercial” for Cheap Laffs (see my blog about Mark Gruenwald! It’s explained better there.)

Yes, that MTV! What is MTV? Hmm… at one point in cable-TV land, music was nice, but a visual form was thought to enhance the pleasure of the ear and mind. Thus: Music Television. At that point in time, about early 1983, it was still feeling its way, flexing its muscles, building its rep in the world. But gosh! You can’t run short music videos 24-hours a day! So a promotional contest was dreamed up.

So… ahhh… MTV University… Hmmm, more back-story, the seminal movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) had blasted across the USA, firming up actors Sean Penn, Phoebe Cates and a host of other now-big names (Forrest Whitaker, Nick Cage!). The soundtrack featured really big Sammy Hagar’s Rock n’ Roll High School.

And there it is, almost a natural. MTV figured out it should be a University and all these musicians would teach “classes.” Now here’s the contest part—they would teach actual classes. The poor contestants had to listen up good because there would be a test at the end based on all the classes. The prizes? I kind’a remember a car and a big vacation somewhere.

Now here’s where it gets crazy. In the Fast Times movie, legendary Tony Award winning song & dance man and actor, Ray Walston played the principal. Ray Walston, to my generation was super-famous for 60s TV’s My Favorite Martian. But he already had a huge career before that! See the movies Damn Yankees (1958), South Pacific (1958), The Apartment (1960)—for us genre-dwellers, he was Popeye’s father in Popeye (1980). Alas, Mr. Walston (1914-2001) is no longer with us to defend himself.

Mr. Walston apparently lost a bet and taped a promo commercial for this fabulous up-coming MTV contest, reprising his role as school principal. And then he snapped out of it and vanished… something about, “So long, suckers!”

Now, that was crazy, but here’s where it drives off the map into brain-in-a-blender: They needed a replacement for Ray Walston, Principal. Hmm… arch, sardonic, handsome as hell, sharp, witty—ahh! Waitaminnit:

Hmmm… mumble, mumble, down the list… check, check and check—why, that describes me! I was approached by Mike and Dave, within minutes I had tootled off to my Big Boss, Jim Shooter to ask for a “day off.” Which to the rest of the world means, “pay docked for a day.” But I was called and felt compelled to answer.

Yes. I stepped in to help that good man out. I had a sleek black suit and a killer pair of demented glasses. I was made to step into Ray Walston’s shoes.

And the role I played? Well, I seemed to have been used as filler. The “teachers” were actual rock-n-roll musicians and getting them to show up on time for something like this is a question-begging thing at best. So I just babbled. Alternately threatening and cajoling all the lucky contestants. Regurgitating any comedy albums I might remember. I mean it was 45-minutes at a stretch between classes! I was tossed out there to die all day long.

Another part of the gag was that the “classes” would relate to specific performers. The ones that stick are Don Henley teaching Music History, Sammy “I Can’t Drive 55” Hagar teaching Auto Shop, that sort of associative humor.

Highlights: Eddie Van Halen showed up as support for Sammy (who had taken over as lead singer for Van Halen) and the man needed a beer opened. Who else would carry a Swiss Army Knife to a performance? Me.

Dee Snyder, lead singer of Twisted Sister needed introducing. An intimidating character without opening his mouth—when I asked him how he would like to be introed, he hissed, “Mister Sister!” But what I was unprepared for was that he had all of his teeth filed into points.

I had lunch, which seemed to be my form of payment, in the actual cafeteria of the school we shot the show in—seated with The Ramones. Also with Dave Burd, so I had someone to talk to. Joey who sat across from me was very quiet. And was a puff-ball of hair. Which I think was more natural than trademark. That was a good time to be an Assistant Editor at Marvel Comics because I could talk at length about all manner of comic inside info. They were interested in my experiences at Marvel—I wish I could have asked more questions of them. But lunch was pretty quick and then back on my feet!

MTV surprised me by sending me a nice ‘thank you’ letter and two pics taken by a real photog. Unfortunately, no name credit of any kind was apparent. Here’s the other:

Somewhere, deep in the MTV archives are BetaMax cassettes marked: “hold for blackmail.” All 8 hours spent at this exercise.

And what of the entire thing? How come this was never aired (narrowcast)? Or talked about in hushed, reverential tones—“Oh, that’s when we knew how to have a contest!”?

Mr. Burd hepped me to the fact that there was a “style” change at MTV. The art department had worked overtime to design a wholly new, never before conceived of logo featuring the letters M, T and V. This took place not long after they taped all of us. The “new” MTV could not be contaminated or comingled with the “old.” And so the contest was shelved forever– I believe the contestants, having taken their tests in good faith were indeed graded and given their appropriate prizes. But no one saw it.

Here’s the kicker: Every one of the musicians came in fully prepared. I kid you not. These guys were sharp, well spoken and knowledgeable about their chosen topic. They literally taught classes. I really wish I could remember more—but as I recall, my feet were killing me in those real shoes—them teaching was my time to sit down. I never stood all day in real shoes so that was an endurance test. One may wonder no more why there are not so many musicians stepping up to partake in MTV contests.

Oh yeah—those glasses! After a year, the rubber nose guard dissolved. I had to toss them and break out the soldering iron to cobble together old glasses from my glasses graveyard.

And Dave Burd? He’s still pretty funny.